- Boundaries are for managing our responses
- “This is the limit of behavior that is acceptable to me.”
- Boundary setting is not mean
- In order to set the boundary, you need to spell them out
- “Clear is kind”
- Make an “incoming boundary” sound to signal a change in the conversation to add some distance between the offense and setting the boundary
- “Uh”, “huh”, “opps”
- Do not be afraid to ask to circle back to correct inappropriate behavior
- Healthy boundaries come from the self; they do not seek to control others
- “Unearned guilt” is feeling guilty for not behaving like someone else wants
- Avoid oversharing or excusing why you are creating the boundary
- (It is also easier to negotiate the conditions or satisfy them, which is often not what you want.)
- Avoid setting consequences when you first set the boundaries
- Be okay to adjust boundaries over time as things change
- Periodically ask yourself if a boundary is still needed
- Be sociable on your time to be proactive
- Communicate your feeling clearly and accurately, expect your partner to do the same
- Boundaries are not replacements for communication
- Try having tasks being owned end-to-end (recognition, conception, and execution) so no one has to nag and to avoid splitting the cognitive load
- Put chores on a schedule
- Consent must be respected without excuses
- Outline and emulate boundaries that of the behavior you want to see
- People can feel bad about what they are doing
- “I don’t talk about food over food.”
- “I’m not drinking right now.”
- “The Ring Theory”
- Grief flows out
- Comfort flows in
- People at the center of an event have no obligation to comfort those outside their ring
- Give people space to save face
- Be graceful when people come back
- Provide face time to talk
- Accept the boundary and follow up later
- Provide face time to talk further
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