“The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel

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  • We have an average of 2-3 significant relationships in our life
  • We feel betrayed by violations of ambiguous agreements
  • New definition of a relationship
    • Secrecy
    • Sexual alchemy
    • Emotional involvement
  • Fire needs air to burn
  • Often, the secrecy is what intrigues us
  • “Confusing ideal and the real never goes unpunished.”
  • We get divorced because we think we could be happier
  • All parties are shocked by the revelation of the affair
  • We need to transfer vigilance from the betrayed to the betrayer
  • Volunteer information to remind the betrayed that you still remember the wrong
  • Be careful to recognize the pain rather than trying to solve problems
  • We (in the West) take pride in our “lack of jealous”
  • We want to know that our partners came back to US, because they want us not because they had nowhere else to go
  • Jealousy is a late developing emotion
  • “We feel most vulnerable where we are most insecure”
  • Contributing to the environment that made the affair happen is different from being responsible for it
  • Without a chance to retaliate, we tend to move on faster
  • Truth
    • Is it honest
    • Is it helpful
    • Is it kind
  • Sometimes silence is kindness
  • “Do you really want to know or do you want your partner to know that you have the question?”
  • Ask investigative questions not detective questions
  • Cheaters do not forfeited all rights to privacy
  • Sometimes we are looking for another version of ourselves, not a new partner
  • We balance wanting security and adventure; these comes from different places
  • Infidelity is most disdained but is still legal
  • Breaking the rules is sometimes the point
  • “Eros is a light sleeper”
  • Time never exists on its own, it is what you do in that time

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