- When value do not match reality, we can
- Change our values
- Change our actions
- Reframe the mismatch
- Reframes:
- Economics or “bread winner”
- Reversals tend to shift expectations from men to outsourced labor
- Personality
- “She is better at doing the work than I”
- Different priorities
- “He chooses to do this”
- “Bossy wife” decoy
- “She wears the pants in the family” or “Don’t ask me, I just live here”
- “nagging” is related
- Workplace
- Benevolent sexism and “himpathy”
- “Complimentary gender role differentiation”
- Economics or “bread winner”
- The cognitive laborer is so overwhelmed they just want to check something off their list so they can stop thinking about it
- Ask questions you think you already know the answer to, you might be surprised
- Talk about role balance before the relationship get entrenched
- Rejecting guilt is difficult and possible
- Baby’s change everything! Even balanced households transition to more traditional role when a baby arrives
- It is too easy for fathers to succeed and for mothers to fail
- Make the invisible seen
- If you are not comfortable sharing what you did then there is probably an imbalance
- “Maternal gatekeeping” is a way females reinforce their stewardship
- Women often need to step back
- Be wary of people helping the routine because eventually the helpers go away and the routine must go on
- The ideal partner is an active noticer of things needed to be done
- Practice saying difficult things
- Reject unearned praise, especially if it is gender based
- Reject perfection (embracing flow is a better way)
- We can appreciate the past while shaping our future
- Articulation is important for developing empathy
- We teach boys to solve problems but not to process problems
- Correct, forgive, and move on
- Privilege allows for mistakes
- Men having platonic female friends mean they have either failed at conquest or are not interested in girls
- We need boys to respect all women, not just the ones in their lives
- Phrases to avoid
- “Boys will be boys”
- Comparing grown men to children
- “[gender] are so…”
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