- We cannot act right when we do not feel right
- Put their feeling into a word then use that word in a sentence
- Good feelings cannot come in until the bad feelings are acknowledge and let out
- Often, trying to “fix things” is about protecting ourselves from the feelings of others
- Just accept the darn emotion!
- “‘But’ takes away the gift you have just given”; use something like “The problem is…” or “Even though you know…” instead
- Acknowledge their desires in writing or drawings
- Match your tone with emotion
- Help them fantasize what they want but should not have (“If you could have cake for dinner, what kind would you have?”)
- Try leading with a statement instead of a question
- “Please” should be reserved for actual requests
- Offer choices
- Think about how to put the children in charge… With restraints.
- Use a gesture or word (noun) to remind instead of bossing around
- Appreciate the progress you see before pointing out the deficiencies
- Act without insult
- Actions are for protection, not for punishment
- Try to make amends, not apologies, instead of punishments (“Your sister was hurt when you pushed her. What can we do to help her feel better?”)
- Problem solving
- Acknowledge their feelings first
- Briefly describe your feelings
- Ask for, and write down all ideas
- Decide the ideas that you both agree on
- Try out the solutions, double check the plan with your child
- Rewards are offered with an implied threat
- We are driven by a sense of autonomy, competency or mastery, and purpose
- Praise that evaluates sounds dismissive or dubious
- It is not always appropriate to praise, consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead
- Describe what you see regarding effort and progress instead of evaluating
- Instead of praising behavior, describe the affect the behavior has on others
- Try to avoid being proud (because it implies you did the work, not them) and comparisons to others
- When they are discouraged, acknowledge their feelings and offer a new picture of themselves they can work towards
- Quietly move to their level
- Do not expect consistency in usage of new skills
- (So much of raising kids well seems to be focused on helping them make sense of the patterns of the world)
- Tell them what they can do instead of what they cannot, they may understand the words but not the context
- Everyone wants to feel understood, act autonomously, be competent
- Acknowledge the facts instead of asking obvious questions
- Lying is a natural stage of development, guide them to being truth telling
- All feeling are acceptable; some actions must be limited
- We will not be calm and in control all the time, neither will they
- Try telling the story of what happened
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