Alain de Botton on Emotional Education

  • Emotions are not intuitive
  • There is something wrong with everyone, it is what binds us
  • Religion used to console us about our misery
  • With the decline of religion, we thought culture could replace it, but it has not
  • We want emotional rewards associated with materials, not the materials themselves
  • Meritocracy believes people on top deserve to be on the top and people on the bottom deserve to be on the bottom
    • (Conversely, you are where you deserve to be)
  • Ancient societies used to believe the “divine” had a strong effect on success or failure
    • “They are unfortunate” literally “They are not touched by the goddess Fortune”
    • “Loser” denotes someone who is failing in a race
  • Failure and vulnerability are the only way to make friends
    • We know ourselves from the inside but others only from the outside
  • Leaning into the weirdness brings relief
  • Having a divine interloper brings relief
  • A problem on devices is that we do not have enough time with our own thoughts
  • Childhood sets our pattern for the rest of our lives… until we defuse it
  • We all start as a True Self but build (by choice or force) a False Self on top
  • Often, a mental breakdown is because the True Self is breaking through
  • Transference is moving historical behavior into the present context
  • The most “adult” people are the ones who have reconciled their childhoods
  • Romanticism has corrupted our ideas about relationships
    • There are no soul mates
    • Disagreements are normal
    • Instincts (our feelings) tells us we are in love
    • Humans replaced Angels
    • (Romantics tended to die young… which helped them hold their paradigm)
    • Sex is the same as love
    • We should be loving who someone can become, not who they are
    • Mind reading is short-lived
  • We are not “falling in love” so much as “refinding love”
    • The problem is, we are basing “love” on what we grew up with
    • We avoid people who are too healthy for us because we associate love with suffering
  • We are often too selfless because we do not know how to not be
    • Ask yourself: “If I dared to be more selfish I would…”
  • Parents needs to be “good enough”
    • The role of parents is to let kids down in a structured way
  • “The best cure for love is knowledge”
  • Forgiveness comes naturally after peace is achieved

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